Gag that parrot - a guide to developing self-esteem

Why do some people have high self-esteem and other people have hardly any at all?
During childhood we learn about ourselves, getting constant feedback from our families, our friends, our school mates, teachers and anyone else who comes in contact with us. If the majority of people we come in contact with are positive, uplifting people who offer praise and encouragement, we are likely to go on to develop high self-esteem. However, if we are exposed to negativity, constantly told that we are not good enough, that we are bad, naughty, stupid, thick, ugly etc, we are likely to take these comments on board an accept them as true. 

Sometimes the messages we receive are not consciously intended to make us feel bad, perhaps the person themselves have low self-esteem, or a negative attitude, because of what they in turn have learned during their formative years. At the end of the day it is hard to teach something that we haven't had any previous experience of, so a person who has had a negative life experience would potentially find it hard to offer compliments and encouragement, whereas someone from an environment where encouragement is the norm, is more likely to be able to offer this kind of encouragement and positivity themselves.

Whatever you take on board as a personal trait (like for example being stupid, or thick) can lead you to follow that particular script. Recently I met a lady who had for years told herself that she was thick because she had left school with low grades at GCSE and so she felt that she was thick, and so had been acting accordingly. Finally after doing another course as an adult she realised that actually she was anything but thick and has now changed her script. Opening up for her new pathways to fit her new level of self-esteem. 

It helps if you can surround yourself with people who can give you encouragement and positive feedback. If you are with people who are only happy when you are not having a good time, or are in the throes of a crisis, you are not going to get your self-esteem raised. Have a team of people who can praise you, and who believe in you. At the end of the day you need to be able to believe in yourself as well, but it helps when you're just starting to raise your self-esteem if you have someone to lead the way. 

Do you have an inner voice that is critical of you? A little parrot maybe, sitting on your shoulder, chelping with unhelpful criticisms every time you try something nice. If so, you're not alone. Most people have something to that effect. If you want to have good self-esteem, you have to find a way to either gag the parrot, or tune out so you can't hear him any more. You might recognise the voice of the parrot. Maybe he sounds like a critical parent, partner, your in-laws, a teacher. In extreme cases, the poison that the parrot spreads can stop you from reaching your potential, because you're too scared of what that little voice would say, if you got it wrong. 'I told you it wouldn't work. You're thick you are. Should have stopped at home where its' safe.' 

 In place of the negative self-talk (the parrot) you need a loving voice instead. Telling yourself that you've tried your best, you were brave for attempting it, it was a good opportunity, etc can help you feel better about yourself and make it 'safe' for you to try new things. This is called developing a loving self-image. It is important not to beat yourself up if things don't go according to plan. NO ONE sails through life with no problems. Each of us have to deal with things at they arise, its how we deal with them that defines us.  

If you have people in your life that do have a very strong opinion on everything you do, it is important to learn to fend them off, politely. They are probably trying to get you to run your life to what they feel is safe and appropriate, which might not be the same as what you feel is safe and appropriate. Know what you want to do, and go for it. Explain politely that you have worked it all out and that you think its  going to be fine. In turn if you are worried about someone elses' choices, it is important that you don't make them feel belittled for thinking in a different way to you. We're all different and what is appropriate for you and what is appropriate for someone else may be two different things, which is fine. Vive la difference! 

It is a good idea to make a list of all the things that you can do and that you are good at. You can include any academic or professional qualifications, any certificates, badges, things like driving licences, skills like being able to use a computer fairly competently, the ability to cook, draw, paint, decorate a room, book a holiday on the internet, work out and stick to a budget, make a meal plan, organise a family party, etc Anything and everything should go on the list. When you do something and it goes right, add it to the list. When you're having a bad day and you feel that nothing is going right, you can get out the list and have a look at it, and feel inspired that actually, you're doing just fine and you're simply having a bad day... 

No more excuses.

Have you got something on your 'to do' list that you keep putting off for another day? Or something you talk about doing, but actually never get round to doing?  If you have, examine why you keep doing this. Do you really want to do this? Are you truly motivated and committed to doing it? Is this something you feel you should want to do? Is this something that you wanted to do once upon a time but that no longer suits you? Face it, it can't be THAT urgent or you would have already made a start on it. Your life is ticking along without you making a start on this. Your life still functions without this happening. Are you really sure its still a valid goal?

If you're sure that at some point you do want to go ahead and do this thing, what is stopping you from doing it now? Is it lack of resources? Time perhaps? or Money? (both?) Is it too big a task to complete? Do you need to do something else first in order to have the resources you need? (like get a relevant qualification in order to start up a business, some research for your book, to complete a current project before starting on a new one?) Can you break up your goal into smaller steps and simply make a start on one tiny step? Are you  overwhelmed by the time scale involved in your new project? Could you break this down into modules, smaller chunks, tiny baby steps rather than thinking you're having to undertake say a whole  three or four year degree or writing a whole book right now. See it as doing a term, and then another until finally its complete. Or writing a page, or a chapter, or an outline. If you're wanting to completely renovate your home, concentrate on one thing, in one room, and then the next and the next until its all complete.  

It's really easy to keep putting things off, using excuse after excuse, but it doesn't achieve anything. It's merely a waste of time, or breath (or both) Instead of feeling guilty for not making a start, or thinking up ever more imaginative excuses for not making a start, use a little time to decide whether you really want to do this. If you do, great. If not, cross it off your to do list and do something you do want to do!!!! 

Remembering things....

Is it the feeling you can remember or the actual memory? Feelings can get stored away, to be rekindled by certain stimuli. This is why a sight or a sound, or smell can produce a whoosh of memory. However, often the memories we hold are often not that accurate. We remember things that haven't happened, we remember things we've been told about but that we wouldn't be able to truly remember because we were too little at the time. Ask any family member to recall an incident, or to state where we bought an item, and discrepancies often occur. Time fades memories, especially if they don't have a strong emotion attached to them. If you were around on the day that Princess Diana died in 1997, or the day that the Twin Towers were brought down, chances are you will have a strong memory of what you were doing on that day. Even though much time has passed. Can you remember what you were doing the following week? or the day before the event. Chances are you probably can't. That's due to the lack of emotion. On an ordinary day, where you're simply milling about minding your own daily business, you're not likely to store the memory, because other wise you would fill your brains available RAM with useless rubbish. But when emotions get involved, it adds a depth, that make it more likely for you to remember.  

It is also likely that you remember things from a biased point of view. Often its easier to remember what the other person did to you, without remembering any of your own contribution to the issue. This is partly because you like to paint yourself into a role of the 'good' person, that perhaps bad things have happened to, no one wants to admit that actually they too are partly to blame. Therefore we often end up with an unbalanced view with us firmly placed in the role of the victim, but is this really the case? 

Being truly alive

Most of us rush around doing lots of things to keep busy, running errands that make little real impact on our lives. Days filled with dull chores, forgetting to spend half an hour in the garden enjoying the sunshine, to sit and savour a meal, to enjoy a cold beer or glass of wine.

 Not finding time to call that friend, or to simply sit and cuddle the children. Why do we do this? Are we so afraid that someone is going to call round and see that we haven't washed up, haven't completed that report?

Life is  too short not to enjoy the garden and having lazy Sundays with family and friends. It is too short not to sit and cuddle the children, to eat on the run hardly tasting a morsel of the food in front of you.

 Next time you eat, or take a walk, really pay attention to what you're doing. Breathe in the aromas, listen to the sounds, eavesdrop a conversation on the bus, feel the wind blowing through your hair, the rain dripping onto your skin. Kick leaves in autumn listen to them crunching underfoot.Absorb the smell of open fires, of salty sea air. Hear the gulls screeching overhead. Feel truly alive. 

When to quit..

It is hard knowing when to give up. Giving up too soon can seem defeatist but clinging on to a relationship/ job/ habit can be damaging. Wasting energy on things that no longer serve us can ultimately lead to illness and in extreme cases death. Sometimes becoming seriously ill is a shortcut to making the changes we don’t have the courage to make or being given the sack can then free us to do something else without us actively having to make a choice. 

Where the choice isn’t ‘our fault’ no blame can be taken for making a poor choice, or wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. If suddenly we don’t have grass on our side of the fence, alternative options are always more welcome.

Giving something a go and deciding it is actually not for us can then help us to put the lid back on the box and file it away or tick it off the to do list. But how long should we give it before giving up.

 If you’ve got a sick feeling at the thought of doing it then you need to rethink. Fill your life with fabulous things and experiences that make your heart sing. Do those things you love. Not just as a treat but as part of everyday life. 

Make a point of prioritizing these things. Get people to help you do things around the house (or employ a cleaner) 

Write your urgent priority list down and delegate where you can. Then only do the urgent things unless you obviously have a non-urgent but very useful job that would free you up later to do something more worthwhile.

Close any energy gaps in your life. If you’re constantly thinking about it, deal with it , either take action, find a solution or deactivate it by writing a list to be dealt with at a set later time. Or find a friend who has expertise or experience to deal with it.