During childhood we learn about ourselves, getting constant feedback from our families, our friends, our school mates, teachers and anyone else who comes in contact with us. If the majority of people we come in contact with are positive, uplifting people who offer praise and encouragement, we are likely to go on to develop high self-esteem. However, if we are exposed to negativity, constantly told that we are not good enough, that we are bad, naughty, stupid, thick, ugly etc, we are likely to take these comments on board an accept them as true.
Sometimes the messages we receive are not consciously intended to make us feel bad, perhaps the person themselves have low self-esteem, or a negative attitude, because of what they in turn have learned during their formative years. At the end of the day it is hard to teach something that we haven't had any previous experience of, so a person who has had a negative life experience would potentially find it hard to offer compliments and encouragement, whereas someone from an environment where encouragement is the norm, is more likely to be able to offer this kind of encouragement and positivity themselves.
Whatever you take on board as a personal trait (like for example being stupid, or thick) can lead you to follow that particular script. Recently I met a lady who had for years told herself that she was thick because she had left school with low grades at GCSE and so she felt that she was thick, and so had been acting accordingly. Finally after doing another course as an adult she realised that actually she was anything but thick and has now changed her script. Opening up for her new pathways to fit her new level of self-esteem.
It helps if you can surround yourself with people who can give you encouragement and positive feedback. If you are with people who are only happy when you are not having a good time, or are in the throes of a crisis, you are not going to get your self-esteem raised. Have a team of people who can praise you, and who believe in you. At the end of the day you need to be able to believe in yourself as well, but it helps when you're just starting to raise your self-esteem if you have someone to lead the way.
Do you have an inner voice that is critical of you? A little parrot maybe, sitting on your shoulder, chelping with unhelpful criticisms every time you try something nice. If so, you're not alone. Most people have something to that effect. If you want to have good self-esteem, you have to find a way to either gag the parrot, or tune out so you can't hear him any more. You might recognise the voice of the parrot. Maybe he sounds like a critical parent, partner, your in-laws, a teacher. In extreme cases, the poison that the parrot spreads can stop you from reaching your potential, because you're too scared of what that little voice would say, if you got it wrong. 'I told you it wouldn't work. You're thick you are. Should have stopped at home where its' safe.'
In place of the negative self-talk (the parrot) you need a loving voice instead. Telling yourself that you've tried your best, you were brave for attempting it, it was a good opportunity, etc can help you feel better about yourself and make it 'safe' for you to try new things. This is called developing a loving self-image. It is important not to beat yourself up if things don't go according to plan. NO ONE sails through life with no problems. Each of us have to deal with things at they arise, its how we deal with them that defines us.
If you have people in your life that do have a very strong opinion on everything you do, it is important to learn to fend them off, politely. They are probably trying to get you to run your life to what they feel is safe and appropriate, which might not be the same as what you feel is safe and appropriate. Know what you want to do, and go for it. Explain politely that you have worked it all out and that you think its going to be fine. In turn if you are worried about someone elses' choices, it is important that you don't make them feel belittled for thinking in a different way to you. We're all different and what is appropriate for you and what is appropriate for someone else may be two different things, which is fine. Vive la difference!
It is a good idea to make a list of all the things that you can do and that you are good at. You can include any academic or professional qualifications, any certificates, badges, things like driving licences, skills like being able to use a computer fairly competently, the ability to cook, draw, paint, decorate a room, book a holiday on the internet, work out and stick to a budget, make a meal plan, organise a family party, etc Anything and everything should go on the list. When you do something and it goes right, add it to the list. When you're having a bad day and you feel that nothing is going right, you can get out the list and have a look at it, and feel inspired that actually, you're doing just fine and you're simply having a bad day...
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