Gag that parrot - a guide to developing self-esteem

Why do some people have high self-esteem and other people have hardly any at all?
During childhood we learn about ourselves, getting constant feedback from our families, our friends, our school mates, teachers and anyone else who comes in contact with us. If the majority of people we come in contact with are positive, uplifting people who offer praise and encouragement, we are likely to go on to develop high self-esteem. However, if we are exposed to negativity, constantly told that we are not good enough, that we are bad, naughty, stupid, thick, ugly etc, we are likely to take these comments on board an accept them as true. 

Sometimes the messages we receive are not consciously intended to make us feel bad, perhaps the person themselves have low self-esteem, or a negative attitude, because of what they in turn have learned during their formative years. At the end of the day it is hard to teach something that we haven't had any previous experience of, so a person who has had a negative life experience would potentially find it hard to offer compliments and encouragement, whereas someone from an environment where encouragement is the norm, is more likely to be able to offer this kind of encouragement and positivity themselves.

Whatever you take on board as a personal trait (like for example being stupid, or thick) can lead you to follow that particular script. Recently I met a lady who had for years told herself that she was thick because she had left school with low grades at GCSE and so she felt that she was thick, and so had been acting accordingly. Finally after doing another course as an adult she realised that actually she was anything but thick and has now changed her script. Opening up for her new pathways to fit her new level of self-esteem. 

It helps if you can surround yourself with people who can give you encouragement and positive feedback. If you are with people who are only happy when you are not having a good time, or are in the throes of a crisis, you are not going to get your self-esteem raised. Have a team of people who can praise you, and who believe in you. At the end of the day you need to be able to believe in yourself as well, but it helps when you're just starting to raise your self-esteem if you have someone to lead the way. 

Do you have an inner voice that is critical of you? A little parrot maybe, sitting on your shoulder, chelping with unhelpful criticisms every time you try something nice. If so, you're not alone. Most people have something to that effect. If you want to have good self-esteem, you have to find a way to either gag the parrot, or tune out so you can't hear him any more. You might recognise the voice of the parrot. Maybe he sounds like a critical parent, partner, your in-laws, a teacher. In extreme cases, the poison that the parrot spreads can stop you from reaching your potential, because you're too scared of what that little voice would say, if you got it wrong. 'I told you it wouldn't work. You're thick you are. Should have stopped at home where its' safe.' 

 In place of the negative self-talk (the parrot) you need a loving voice instead. Telling yourself that you've tried your best, you were brave for attempting it, it was a good opportunity, etc can help you feel better about yourself and make it 'safe' for you to try new things. This is called developing a loving self-image. It is important not to beat yourself up if things don't go according to plan. NO ONE sails through life with no problems. Each of us have to deal with things at they arise, its how we deal with them that defines us.  

If you have people in your life that do have a very strong opinion on everything you do, it is important to learn to fend them off, politely. They are probably trying to get you to run your life to what they feel is safe and appropriate, which might not be the same as what you feel is safe and appropriate. Know what you want to do, and go for it. Explain politely that you have worked it all out and that you think its  going to be fine. In turn if you are worried about someone elses' choices, it is important that you don't make them feel belittled for thinking in a different way to you. We're all different and what is appropriate for you and what is appropriate for someone else may be two different things, which is fine. Vive la difference! 

It is a good idea to make a list of all the things that you can do and that you are good at. You can include any academic or professional qualifications, any certificates, badges, things like driving licences, skills like being able to use a computer fairly competently, the ability to cook, draw, paint, decorate a room, book a holiday on the internet, work out and stick to a budget, make a meal plan, organise a family party, etc Anything and everything should go on the list. When you do something and it goes right, add it to the list. When you're having a bad day and you feel that nothing is going right, you can get out the list and have a look at it, and feel inspired that actually, you're doing just fine and you're simply having a bad day... 

A course for life...

See courses as personal development. Don't only do course that will enhance your career. Do what you love, what you're passionate about. Every course you do will make you a more rounded person and will provide you with something that is transferable to the workplace. Employers are looking for multidimensional people,so having a range of skills and interest is a bonus.
Having multiple strings to your bow opens up multiple revenue streams. The more things you can do, the more money you can earn. Learning should be a lifelong activity. Learning new things keeps the brain active and the spirits up. 

When to quit..

It is hard knowing when to give up. Giving up too soon can seem defeatist but clinging on to a relationship/ job/ habit can be damaging. Wasting energy on things that no longer serve us can ultimately lead to illness and in extreme cases death. Sometimes becoming seriously ill is a shortcut to making the changes we don’t have the courage to make or being given the sack can then free us to do something else without us actively having to make a choice. 

Where the choice isn’t ‘our fault’ no blame can be taken for making a poor choice, or wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. If suddenly we don’t have grass on our side of the fence, alternative options are always more welcome.

Giving something a go and deciding it is actually not for us can then help us to put the lid back on the box and file it away or tick it off the to do list. But how long should we give it before giving up.

 If you’ve got a sick feeling at the thought of doing it then you need to rethink. Fill your life with fabulous things and experiences that make your heart sing. Do those things you love. Not just as a treat but as part of everyday life. 

Make a point of prioritizing these things. Get people to help you do things around the house (or employ a cleaner) 

Write your urgent priority list down and delegate where you can. Then only do the urgent things unless you obviously have a non-urgent but very useful job that would free you up later to do something more worthwhile.

Close any energy gaps in your life. If you’re constantly thinking about it, deal with it , either take action, find a solution or deactivate it by writing a list to be dealt with at a set later time. Or find a friend who has expertise or experience to deal with it.

Listen to your heart

What do you REALLY want? Listen to your heart.  Take some time out to consider what you would really like to do, who you would really like to be. Don't be too surprised if what you really want differs from what you think you really want. We tend to create blue prints throughout life, usually befitting that particular stage in life. When you are a teenager you probably want to stay out all night and try all those things on the list issued to you by your parents entitled 'don't do this'. You might, as you get older, want a high powered and preferably well paid job, a large house, a nice car and great holidays in the sun. Sometimes people tire of this 'perfect' lifestyle and decide they want to downsize. To spend more time at home and less time at the office, to spend time with friends and family. What you want normally evolves and adapts over time.

Unfortunately we are often so busy with everyday life that we simply drift along on lifes' conveyor belt, only to look back in a few years and think 'what am I doing here, did I want to be here? how did I end up in this job/house/situation? What would I really rather be doing right now? So we need to find out  what your heart truly desires right now this minute. Not what hubby, wife, girlfriend, kids, parents, pets want, but what YOU truly want. You, yes you!! 

Sometimes what our heart truly desires is thwarted by listening to others opinions of what they think we want, or maybe even coming back to what we wanted a while ago, which no longer holds true for us. We change, evolve and move on. What we might have wanted age 5/15/25 might not hold today.  

Sometimes we get a moment of enlightenment like a bolt from the blue, something we had not thought of ourselves either because we held limiting thoughts about our abilities or because we felt we did not deserve such a fabulous opportunity.  You will know when you are on the right track with your thinking, you get a warm buzzy feeling just below your ribcage, in the solar plexus area under the diaphragm. When you feel this you know that that is what you really want.

True Confidence

Some people exude confidence. As they enter a room, their aura floods the space making a grand entrance before them. The person holds their head high, back straight, walking tall. Smiling graciously as they cross the floor. People find them attractive, like a shiny jewel in a shop waiting to be taken home. But how deep is this persons confidence really? Is the whole thing a glossy performance, covering up the quaking within? Does the person really feel confident? How can you tell? It may not always be possible to differentiate between a truly confident person and 'one faking it till they make it.'

A firm sense of self belief goes a long way towards true confidence. How can confidence be raised? Initially by acknowledging your achievements, by setting boundaries of what you will and won't except, by adopting the body language of a confident person. By giving things a go and not giving up when the going gets tough.

Do YOU have true confidence? 

 Remembering that you CAN do so much even if somewhere along the line you have 'forgotten' how much you can do. Whether it is because you are in a job that only focusses on certain types of activity, or whether you're currently not in work, or maybe you're a full time parent or home-maker and so lots of the things you've done before are pushed into the darkest corners of your mind, gathering dust. Sometimes you have to play a little, scroll back to an earlier time when you were a little more confident perhaps. Being gentle with yourself, forgiving yourself minor sins. Allowing a few crumbs to settle on the carpet of life, without feeling the need to sweep them away. To spend time simply 'being' rather than constantly doing.

Spend time today thinking about the times when something has gone right, or you have achieved a sense of satisfaction, whether it has been making a delicious dinner enjoyed by family and friends, taking a photograph that blows your breath away, starting writing that book that you've always fancied writing. Really focus on the sensation you can remember, the feelings that success brought with it. Treasure it, and add it to your personal stash of achievements. Next time you're feeling worthless or down get it out, read it and remember that actually you can do it, that you are worthwhile and that you have a right to be proud of yourself.