The throwaway remark that changed my life..

Yesterday I was asked the question 'If you were given £1,000 and had to spend it on yourself, but had to spend it this week or give it back, what would you spend it on?'.

At first I struggled to answer, I guess because I am not 'just' me am I? I am a mum of three and have mother in her 80's and loads of friends scattered about. To separate myself off and buy something for 'just' me, seemed an alien concept. Everything I thought of was somehow directly linked to the family in some way, or my friends. Which isn't a problem, it's just an observation. Eventually I started to come up with a list. A tablet pc, a dishwasher, a camera, a flute, a weekend away, a course, a new bed seen as though mine is the worlds comfiest bed, but probably also the world's saggiest with it. It still seemed strange though, thinking of something *just* for me.

Interestingly it stirred up old memories too. Many, many years ago, I was asked more or less the same question, by someone who we used to call my Aunt (although she was in fact no blood relation). When questioned by her on the subject, I was able to rattle off a great long list. A set of bunk beds, a colour tv for my room, a pretty new wardrobe. Instead of her smiling and nodding and saying what great things I'd picked she simply snapped 'How selfish'. I was only about ten. I didn't understand what I'd said wrong. Should I have thought only of other people? She asked me what I would buy, or what I wanted. Not who I could help, or who I could give the money to. I was TEN years old for heavens sake.

For some strange reason, ever after this, I kept checking myself for signs that I might be selfish. I started going overboard, not asking for anything, always giving to others. I stopped thinking of my own needs and wants, and always put other people's needs first. It's taken me until recently to stop doing this, I still find it difficult to ask for anything, in case I am selfish.

When asked the question yesterday, I hesitated before I answered. In fact I don't think I actually gave an answer in the end. I was scared that I might be judged negatively for wanting things just for me. That whatever the answer I gave might be the 'wrong' answer.

Maybe I've wasted years bending over backwards to show people that I'm not selfish. Maybe I haven't. Maybe the question asked in the first place shaped me into a less selfish person. Or has it simply stopped me growing into my true potential? I am not blaming my 'Aunt', I am just observing my behaviour in relation to her comment. I just wondered if anyone else could relate to this. A throw away remark (probably one the person giving it might not even remember if questioned,) been taken on board and used in a way that changed the persons life for years afterwards. Probably needlessly.

 I didn't NEED to take on board her comment that I was selfish. I didn't need to react as if it were true. I didn't need to go into actively undoing it mode. I could have simply shrugged it off, thought that it was simply her opinion, and that it didn't really matter because in my heart I knew it wasn't true. So why did I do that? Thoughts anyone?